20 Years of Diets and Binges: Melli’s Way Out of Anorexia and the Urge to Keep Moving
Rather listen? Jump to the episodeImportant first
This article talks openly about anorexia, binge eating, an unhealthy relationship with exercise and movement, and compulsive control around food. This is Melli’s personal story, not a guide and not a promise that every path looks the same. Eating disorders are serious illnesses. If you are affected, please get medical and therapeutic support. I’m happy to support you alongside that.
Melli’s life revolved around the scale. Weight, calories, steps, workouts: everything was counted, tracked and controlled, and in between came binges again and again, which she tried to make up for with even more exercise. And that went on for around 20 years full of diets.
When she joined the Food Freedom Academy, she was sooo unsure. She didn’t know what to expect or whether she could really leave her eating disorder behind. Her biggest wish: to be able to eat intuitively again.
Today I’ll hold back and let Melli take over. How did she get out of the vicious circle and get a new life back within 12 weeks? You’ll read her own words from the start, after 8, 11 and 12 weeks, and, at the end, what she says about our journey together. A path with ups and downs, and her journey is still in full swing.
Melli’s journey
Start
Numbers run her day
Scale, calories, steps and the fear of gaining weight
After 8 weeks
The scale gathers dust
No more tracking, yes to fear foods
After 11 weeks
Lots of small wins
Balanced meals, giving and accepting more love
After 12 weeks
Numbers have had their day
Eating what she wants and as much as she wants
Today
Her period is back
Freedom instead of control
I’m Lina, a state-certified nutrition consultant and health coach for women’s health. I know this pattern not only from working with clients, but from my own story.
What to expect
When numbers run your day
Anorexia, hormone problems, a lost period and binges, plus the feeling that she could never move enough: at first that sounds like very different problems, and yet those affected know it’s a kind of cycle. A downward spiral straight into a valley where nothing exists but the feeling of not being enough. A valley full of fear of what happens if you change something.
And physiologically: when your body has too few resources – like nutrients, calories, relaxation – for a long time, at some point it takes back what it’s missing. So extreme hunger has nothing to do with weakness and isn’t a lack of discipline either, it’s often a body catching up on what it was denied for so long. If you don’t know that, you experience it as losing control and try to rein it in with even stricter rules and even more movement.
Restrictive eating thoughts circling around food binge exercise to make up for it even stricter rules
On top of that: Melli was afraid of high-fat foods, and her body felt it. No fats, no hormones. And every morning the scale largely decided what kind of day it would be, and that power was something she got to take back from it, piece by piece.
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Melli’s start: between excitement and fear
At the beginning I asked Melli what she wanted to let go of. Her answer:
Losing the fear of gaining weight so I can eat intuitively again – what I want, when I want and as much as I want. Without fear, guilt and making up for it …
And how she felt before the start:
Right now I’m on an emotional rollercoaster, because on the one hand I’m really looking forward to the FFA, Lina’s input and the exchange with the women, and I’m motivated. I WANT to change something! But I’m also afraid of whether I can get out of this vicious circle and, if so, whether I can really be happy with it or will fall back again …
Melli
After 8 weeks: “The scale just sits there gathering dust”
After eight weeks, Melli sent me her list:
no more daily weigh-ins (the scale just sits there gathering dust)
no more weighing and tracking food (such a time saver!)
putting meals together so that cravings don’t even start (it works!)
catching extreme hunger and binges with “anchors”
saying NO to family, friends, work and exercise (and so often already!)
taking time for myself (I missed it so much, it makes me happy)
eating out freely without knowing the calories of the meal (pizza bread, pasta, sauces!)
YES to fear foods (chocolate bars, cake, ice cream, white toast – it all tastes sooo good!)
recognising and embracing my femininity (I want to be sexy, feminine – boobs, where are you? ;))
a better feeling for my body: dancing through the flat, listening to music and feeling my body
more open with family and friends: accepting and giving love
insights from my childhood, possible causes of my eating behaviour
no more fear of fat (my hormones urgently need help)
made an appointment with my gynaecologist
What moves me so much about this list: hardly any point is about food alone. It’s about so much more than the eating disorder, and that is exactly what Melli herself wrote a few weeks later.
After 11 weeks: lots of small wins, one big step
You already have the many wins I’ve had since the start of the FFA – I can’t even list them all anymore, because there are so many small successes. But together, the many small wins add up to sooo much progress – before the FFA I would never have believed it.
Melli
Big, balanced meals with healthy fats, carbohydrates and protein are standard by now.
Instead of always having quark with fruit, there’s bread and rolls with cheese and egg for breakfast now and then, pasta with sauce at the Italian restaurant, and a chocolate bar, a piece of cake or ice cream as a sweet treat.
More and more often I now see my body as “too thin”, so I’m okay with gaining weight.
I show love and affection to my family and friends more and more often all by myself, with hugs or an “I love you”.
On at least five days a week I get up with joy and look forward to breakfast, work and the day.
Despite small plateaus, I don’t get discouraged anymore. A walk on my own, a deep breath and open conversations with my husband, my family and my friends help me keep going.
The past is the past, the focus is on the here and now.
A happy life only works with a healthy and happy Melli.
After 12 weeks: numbers have had their day
I’m ready for change, I eat everything again (!) and I’ve banished numbers (weight/scale, tracking, steps, exercise) from my everyday life. It’s a wonderful, free feeling!
Numbers in my everyday life (scale, calories, steps) don’t matter anymore. I don’t want or need to know my weight, I eat the amounts I want and the foods I feel like right now (most of the time at least).
When extreme hunger or cravings hit, I stay calm first and focus on my breathing or anchor points. That has already helped.
When I look at my body, it isn’t always ‘beautiful’ or ‘thin’ to me. But more and more often I have a fairly good feeling when I look at myself.
If only I had ‘found’ you earlier, I might have been spared a lot. But I’m already sure that only YOU can make it possible for me to live in freedom again, eat without constraint and recognise and embrace my femininity.
Melli
I love exactly this honesty. Freedom doesn’t mean every day is easy. It means the numbers no longer decide what your day will be like, and that on difficult days you know what helps you.
Melli on our journey together
After the Food Freedom Academy, Melli wrote me this review (in German):
It’s about so much more than the eating disorder. I live, I accept love, I pass love on.
And the most important part, in her own words: she has a good relationship with food again, listens to her body and gives it what it needs. No more body fat scale, no tracking app, and exercise is fun again and is allowed to be skipped sometimes.
You recognize yourself in Melli’s story and don’t want to go through this alone any longer? In the free Cycle Clarity Call, we’ll look at where you are right now, together.
To the free Cycle Clarity CallPersonal words to finish
Wow, wow, wow – is there anything more to say? I’m so endlessly grateful for Melli’s trust and her courage to share her story so openly on the podcast and here. Melli, you can be so proud of yourself.
And thank you for giving Melli space. Maybe there’s a small impulse in you right now that wishes to be free: eating without calculating, and living a day the scale doesn’t decide.
And do you know what makes me especially happy? Melli’s period, which she had lost, has come back since.
Having supported more than 250 women, I see it again and again: the path is different for everyone, with plateaus and setbacks. But you don’t have to walk it alone.
🎧 Prefer to listen? Here’s the full episode (in German)
Would you like to talk with me about your challenges and goals and get your first impulses for your journey?
To the free Cycle Clarity CallHappy, Healthy & Confident into the new week.
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