“Without My Eating Disorder I Am Nothing”: How I Overcame My Eating Disorder

What does it feel like to overcome an eating disorder? For me, like this: a while ago I sat on a plane for the very first time in my life, on my way to Ibiza. We ate out twice a day, I think I’ve never had so much good ice cream, I was out and about every day and met so many people that I was even invited to Mexico afterwards.

In the past I would never have gone on that holiday. Not if I couldn’t prepare my own food. Not if I couldn’t control what landed on my plate and when.

Shortly after the trip I had a conversation with a client that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since. She said: “Lina, I’m so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. What if I’m not even happy then? You’re such an open, positive person, but I’m just not like that.”

Inside, I had to smile a little, because I wasn’t always like this either. In this article I’ll tell you how I got from “Without my eating disorder I am nothing” to where I am today.

I’m Lina, a state-certified nutrition consultant and health coach for women’s health. Today I support women on their way out of eating disorders and period loss, and I know this path from my own story.

Overcoming an eating disorder: why it’s almost never about food

I didn’t have “the one” eating disorder. I had anorexia, a binge eating disorder, then slid into bulimia, and the anorexia still stayed with me for ages. Most of the time they were mixed forms, and you couldn’t see much of it from the outside.

That’s exactly why I say today: An eating disorder is very rarely a problem with food. Whether you starve yourself, binge, or compensate with exercise, vomiting or laxatives, so much more is hidden behind it. Often you cling to the eating problem out of fear of losing control. Precisely because what you eat and how you move can be controlled, right?

I see this in the Food Freedom Academy too. Women who lean towards anorexia sit next to women with binge eating. At first some were sceptical whether that would fit, and after the first group call it was clear: We have the same themes. Only the way they carry their pain outwards looks different. Some eat little to feel less and to feel disciplined, others reach for food so they don’t have to think for a moment, as if it were a hug from the inside.

Why letting go feels like a loss

When you let go of your eating disorder, you let go of a part of yourself. A part that isn’t really you, but that has become you over the years. And honestly: that hurts, because something dies there.

This false identity had a job. It protected me, because back then I didn’t yet have the strength to face my fears and my true needs. It even spared me from finding out what my true needs actually are.

Imagine wearing the same coat for years, far too tight. It pinches, it scratches, but it’s familiar, and without it you feel naked. So the fear of letting go is not a sign that you can’t do it. It only shows that something new is coming that you don’t know yet.

Old feelings you drag into the present

With the women I work with, and with me back then, we keep ending up at the same point: it’s not only unmet needs, but also old feelings we carry around with us. A feeling in the here and now triggers a binge or the urge not to eat, because that emptiness and that pain feel strangely familiar, almost comforting.

The tricky part: at some point you can no longer tell whether a feeling is really justified right now, or whether it dug itself in so deeply many years ago that you still feel it today.

Most people live either in the past or in the future, and only very few are truly in the here and now. I was exactly the same. That I could just sit in Ibiza, eat my ice cream and enjoy the moment without mentally planning the next day was a small miracle for me.

The more stable I became, the louder my past got

I did therapy for ages. I was in two clinics and saw nine therapists. What really helped me was my second clinic stay, because there I was more or less forced to deal with myself. I started keeping a diary, totally stubborn at first, because my eating disorder was everything to me.

And then came something I hadn’t expected: The more stable my weight became, the worse I felt at first. The more old things came up. Why gaining weight in recovery so often feels like a step backwards is something I’ve explained in a separate article.

My low point came when I was actually supposed to be doing really well. It was as if my subconscious had realised: “Now she’s stable enough, now she can handle seeing why the eating disorder was here and what her real issues are.” Suddenly memories from my childhood came up that I hadn’t been able to remember for years, and then more and more.

For a long time I could barely sleep and was glad to get two hours in a night. Sleeping alone only worked with a child’s night light and music, and I was endlessly grateful that my family held me up during that time. This is how I experienced it: Your subconscious usually only gives you as much as you can handle right now.

The smile back then and the smile today

Recently, when I was having passport photos taken, my best friend was with me, and the photographer said I wasn’t allowed to smile. My problem: today I’m an incredibly happy woman who can hardly keep a straight face. My best friend didn’t make the situation any easier.

I used to smile a lot back then too, but it was a completely different smile. I smiled problems away. I was insecure, quiet and reserved, and everything I said was wrong in my head anyway, so I thought about it five times before saying anything at all.

For a long time I even claimed I didn’t like people. Friends supposedly all got on my nerves. In truth I was unhappy with myself and constantly afraid of doing something wrong.

Today my motto is: I am who I am. Anyone who doesn’t like me that way doesn’t need to be part of my life. And because I know that old smile of mine so well, I recognise it very quickly in women who come to my Cycle Clarity Call.

What really helped me along the way

There wasn’t one single moment when everything changed. Looking back, it was mainly these four things that changed how I see myself and food:

The hardest part for me was self-compassion. Whenever I broke my own rules, my inner personal trainer was there immediately, with a raised finger and a penalty lap.

Who are you without your eating disorder? You get to find out

Many women hold on to their eating disorder because they feel they’re only seen when they’re not doing well. I can tell you from my own experience: You are seen most when you are happy and healthy.

And no, that doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to feel bad again. I have days too when I think: “Oh no, not today.” But then it’s one day, half a day or a few hours, and afterwards I know again that everything is actually fine.

When you let go of what doesn’t really belong to you, the self-doubt, the self-hatred, the diets and the binges you may be using to make up for missing love, in the end only you remain. Without a diagnosis, without a label, without performance behind it.

I always tell the women I work with very clearly: you can decide to stay right where you are. Or you take my hand and we go through this together, including the parts that hurt. It’s a question of time, strength and willingness, and you don’t have to take the first step alone.

My path today

For a long time I thought I first had to become a mum and raise healthy children to show that life after an eating disorder is possible. Today I know that I get to show exactly that in my work, every day, with every woman who comes to me.

I live in a healthy body that gives me so much, I get to enjoy good food, I have a wonderful family and so many plans. Why should I let small things throw me off balance?

If you recognise yourself in my story and want help with your eating disorder, get in touch with me. Your body is not your enemy, and you can get to know who you are without your eating disorder, step by step.